I wanted to write something inspirational but I don't know how well it will go, but I'm going to give it a shot because I really just want to get it out and I think typing it might help, even if it helps just a little bit.
My whole life I have wanted to be a mother, but I become a mother is a way I never expected to happen. I dreamed as a little girl that I would marry the man of my dreams at age 22 (because that's how old Annie Banks was when she got married in the movie Father of the Bride!), I would have 2 children, about 2 years a part. They were both going to be girls of course. We were going to live in a small town and own a house and I was going to be a teacher. Every little girls dreams right?? Well my dreams didn't exactly happen that way.
I got pregnant at age 21 by a man I'm not ever going to marry. My life was turned upside down by some of the decisions that father made. On January 18th 2007 I found out I was having a little boy, which I knew all along! June 9th I give birth to the most beautiful little boy in the whole world! He is everything a mother could ask for, but I'm still single! That's okay though, I was happy being single. I was happy with my life. That is until October 8th 2007, when I meet the next man of my dreams, Chad. Life seriously could not get any better. Chad was everything and more. He loved hunting, he loved spending time with both Layton and I, and he would do anything for me! I would do the same for him. He was a little shy but that was okay, I knew someday he would come around. Then in the middle of November, I think it was November 17th 2007, I found out I was pregnant again. WHAT!! This can NOT be happening to me! Not so soon, We tried to prevent any pregnancies from happening, how could this be! I waited a few days to take a test. Once it came back positive, twice. I knew I had to tell Chad the news. We had only known each over for just over a month! But once I told him, everything seemed it would be okay, because that's what Chad told me. He knew, everything would work out. We knew we loved each other, and we would make things work somehow!! Enough with that...
The reason I am writing this is because I think I have found some comfort in knowing I might have found my purpose here on earth. On dream already has come true, I am a mother, but not the way I expected it to happen. Chad was killed in a car accident on March 28th 2008, and I am carrying his child. Who else can ever say that? No one will ever be able to give the gift I am going to be giving to the Wingen's and to all the people that loved Chad. All my questions that I had in November seem to be answered. I'm having this baby to give life to people who lost a life, it won't be the same life but in a sense I feel like I am giving them something or a part of something they lost, and I lost. I don't know how this may sound but I feel like a living mircle. This baby will be a living miracle!! God works in mysterious ways and we (Baby Wingen and I) are living proof. We all miss Chad and the birth of this baby will be bittersweet to all involved but I hope everyone finds some sort of comfort in all of this.
Maybe my dreams as a child don't need to come true because I am living something that is indescribable. Everyday is different and everyday is hard but everyday I feel a living part of Chad that I can hold on to for the rest of my life.
I am blessed, through birth and through death.
Miss you Chad!!!!!
4 years ago