I was on myspace tonight looking at some pictures when I came across some of Chad's friends out having a good time. I was sitting there flippin through the pictures and in almost everyone I could see Chad in the background and I could even picture myself in the background. I can't speak for them but it looks like they all have moved on and returned to their "normal" lives. I sat here wondering when I will be able to move on, when I will be able to go to bed at night and not think about Chad before I close my eyes, when I will stop picturing the site of the accident every time I close my eyes, or how I am going to go through all of this on the day our baby boy is born! Everyday is a struggle for me, and I can't imagine what his family is going through! Yeah I may hide it, it might not be in my eyes or voice anymore but about 99% of my day I think about Chad and the "what if's" Here are his friends out there having the time of their lives and I know they think about him all the time but I feel like I can't even move! I feel like my feet are stuck in gooey mud and I can't get out! To be honest, I would love to go out and enjoy myself but in a way I don't ever want to leave Layton, I want to be with him all the time so never miss a moment. In 6 short weeks I am going to welcome a new baby boy in my life and into the Wingens life without his father! Of course he will be there with us in spirit but he won't ever be with us physically.
I often ask myself, when will I be able to move on? Or is moving on even the right words to say. I highly doubt I will ever move on, but I can try living a "normal" life. Another thing that ran through my head when I seen the pictures was, will they forget about us, about Chad's family, about our baby boy, about what Chad would be doing in the Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring. Will they bring up little things about Chad or memories like I do? I'm sure most of you have heard me say things about Chad or what he might have done or what he did together, sometimes I don't even know I am saying it but I want everything to stay fresh in my memory so I never forget! I hope they continue to remember Chad the way I do every night before I close my eyes, I hope they remember he has a one and only son out there and to never forget their friend!!! It was hard to see them having fun but I know they can't grieve forever, they have to move on, and someday hopefully I can too, in a way.
6 more weeks and the feelings of March 28th get to come flooding back but along with the tears I know their will be tons of smiles because Chad gets to live on!!! Saturday June 28th I get to spend some time with his sisters and family, and I just love that time!!! Good night and this feelings had to come out sometime and somewhere and thank goodness for this blog!
4 years ago